We can believe our eyes, or we can believe what the Lord has said.

"Yet at present we do not see everything subject to him"

-Hebrews 2:8

Murder

Cancer

Rape

Violence

Lies

Hunger

Abuse

Deception 

There is so much in this world that seems like it has nothing controlling it,

that sin is just running rampant through the world.  I've seen my friends

lose their loved ones.  I've seen my neighbor get diagnosed with cancer 

and be given 2 months to live.  I have heard stories of girls being raped. 

I hear people say "If this is how God controls it, if this is how things are subjected

to Him and his power, why would i want to sign up?"  My pastor today said it perfectly.
"I get that."

"Yet at present we do not see everything subject to him"

We cannot see yet, the power that he has over all of this, but he DOES. 

We believe or lies and we let the circumstances of this world dictate our love for God. 

I wont let myself do that any longer.  I wont believe my eyes, i WILL believe what my 

God has promised me, and what he says to me.
"The key to knowing God is good, is simply knowing him."

If we know our Lord, our God, than there is no way we let the sin of this world

tell us what He can or cannot do.  That he is angry God that hates us. 

No. 

We know the truth, we just forget it sometimes. 

Whether you see him or not, He sees you. 

He cares. 

He loves. 

He protects. 

He gives. 

He takes. 

He preserves. 

He pursues. 

He sacrifices.

He adores.
He adorns.  

He blesses.
He grants.
He lives. 

Our God is good, forever. 

Surely our Messiah will make all things new.

I am weak
I am selfish
I am self centered
I am horrible with directions
I am rude
I am foul speaking
I am lustful
I am jealous
I am rich
I am lazy
I am deceitful
I am materialistic
I am disrespectful
I am everything i am not supposed to be
Yet, He calls me His and makes me new. 
He breaks open my heart and wipes it clean
He opens up my chest and breathes me into life
I can see who i'm meant to be in His eyes
Everything i dont want to be is wiped away by His blood
All of my sin and all of my inequities are thrown away
He doesnt just fix the cracks in my interior
He strips my whole entire being down, knocks over all the walls, all the horrible things inside
and he builds me into something great, something beautiful, something worth love.
I am Healed
I am free
I am forgiven
I am loved
I am held by the highest of Kings
I am his beloved
He calls me by name
He tells me he has a plan for me
This plan burns the core of being
My heart throbs in my chest for my Savior
He is my everything
I lose my life to gain it
I die to live

He is everything, He is my most high,  He is my strength and my rock, and my one true desire.
My eyes and my heart are set on heaven, no earthly thing could ever hold my attention long enough
My reason for living is to win this race, and to bring everyone with me.
To hear him say "you are my good and faithful servant, you have ran hard and well, thank you for loving me."
I want to love him with all my heart, all my mind, and all my soul.

Jesus, you're the one who saves us, constantly creates us into something new. 

As the dew falls on the blade
You have touched all this fragile frame
And as a mother knows her baby's face
You know me, You know me

As the summer air within my chest
I have breathed You deep down into my breast
And as You know the hairs upon my head
Every thought and every word I've said
Every thought and every word I've said

Savior, You have known me as I am
Healer, You have known me as I was
As I will be in the morning, in the evening
You have known me, yeah, You know me

Oh, and as the exhilaration of autumn's bite
Oh, You have brought these tired bones to brilliant life
And as the swallow knows, she knows the sky
This is how it is with You and I
Oh, this is how it is with You and I

Savior, You have known me as I am
Healer, You have known me as I was
As I will be in the morning, in the evening
You have known me, yeah, You know me

From the fall of my heart to the resurrection of my soul
You know me, God, and You know my ways
In my rising and my sitting down
You see me as I am, oh, see me as I am

And as a lover knows his beloved's heart
All the shapes and curves of her even in the dark
Oh, You have formed one in my inward parts
And You know me, You know me, yes

Savior, You, You have known me as I am
Oh, healer, You have known me as I was
As I will be in the morning, in the evening
You have known

You have known me, in the morning, in the evening
You've known me, God
In the morning, in the evening You have known me
Yeah, You've know me

You have always known me
You know me, God, You have known me
You have always known my heart

The mention of your name.

"Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder, at the mention of Your Name."

I sang that line last night in a mini worship circle with 2 of my best friends last night and it hit me, is that really true?  Am i honestly filled with wonder every time i hear the name "Jesus"?  I should be.  I should almost fall to my knees every time i think of him, anytime i think of the idea of him i should be filled awestruck wonder that its hard for me to even think straight.  

"For the word of God is living and active.  Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.  Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight.  Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account."

-Hebrews 4:12-13

I cant even take that verse.  His word, HIS WORD, is that powerful, it can penetrate even the hardest of hearts.  No debate, no intellectual thought could ever win over the truth of God.  If his word is that powerful, what does that make him?

"Men swear by someone greater than themselves, and the oath confirms what is said and puts an end to all argument   Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose every clear to the heirs of what was promised,  he confirmed it with an oath.  God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged.  We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.  It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf.  He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek."

-Hebrews 6:16-20

"In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.  Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.  And God said, "let there because light," and there was light."

-Genesis 1:1-3

He is the beginning and he is the end, the author and the publicist, My savior, my God, my father, my best friend. Wonder fills my veins when i think about the God i serve, the awesome-ness of who he is, and i dont even know the half of it.  When i think about what it will be like to stand before him and see his face, my mind gets scattered because i cannot even imagine, i know i will not be able to even behold his glory.  My face will be forever at his feet in total admiration.  He is the only one worthy of high praise, the only one worthy of ALL my affection and all my attention.  Everything i am shakes at the mention of his name, and it will from now on.  I will not let myself become complacent of where i'm at with Him.  I want to constantly grow and know more about Him.  I want to constantly be more intimate with Him and have my face planted at his beautiful feet from the time i wake up to the time i go to sleep.

My God's name has more power than any thing imaginable.  

I'm filled with awestruck wonder, at the mention of your name.  

I'm learning.

   Being alone has become my worst fear, i dont know when it happened but i'm not okay with it.  It's not the kind of alone that requires a romantic relationship.  It's the kind of alone where when there is no one around me i feel lost and upset.  Since i've started working and going to school i'm constantly on the go, and around people.  Even at home, my brother always has friends over so i never have alone time.  If i do have a chance to have alone time i fill it with time with friends or a bible study over coffee.  I never let myself be totally alone, which is why i think this fear has been brought up.

   I used to crave alone time, back in the day.  I always wanted to be alone because i couldnt function if i wasnt in my own head at least 2 hours of the day.  I dont know what has changed but it needs to stop.  I dont have my best sister to fill in the gaps, she's in Mexico.  I dont have Dom to fill all of my time because work gets in the way.  My dad has a new job that keeps him away weeks at a time.  There are times where i'm going to be home alone and i need to be okay and not need to call someone to come stay with me.  

Jesus, i ask you to fill the gaps inside of me that are causing these anxieties, please show me where this stems from.  I love you, you are bigger than my fear. You are bigger than being alone, you are bigger than everything i fear.  

It's not goodbye, it's see you later.

Saying goodbye to you and knowing i wont see you literally next to me for 5 months was probably one of the hardest thing's i've ever had to do.

You're my best friend, and my sister.  God has brought us to this wonderful point where he is separating us for awhile.  I love you, and i'll miss you every day.  I'm excited for the the stories you will tell me, and the people you're going to inspire.

It's all because of Him.
It's all for Him.

I love you with all the bones in my body, i miss you.
Your sister.

"Looks like you messed up, yet again, he's so sick of you doing this to him."

"He's not going to take you back, again, you've messed up too many times."

"Dont even read your bible, its boring and you wont find what you need in there."

These are the lies i've been hearing for the past 2 weeks.  The enemy has really gotten into my head and had convinced me of things i knew to be false.  But as i sat in my sin, messing up for about the millionth time, i asked myself, how in the world can God love me, after this.  What i've learned is, i'm not supposed to know, but he does.  His love will never make sense to me, and i dont think it's supposed to.  God's love is bigger and more wondrous than my head can even wrap itself around.  No matter what i do, no matter what i say, nothing can separate me from His love. (Romans 8:38-39).  So, i'm done believing these lies, i'm done feeling horrible and wallowing in my guilt.  That is exactly what Jesus does NOT want me to do, he died on the cross for that very sin i'm sinking in.  He's already forgiven me and he's already forgotten it.  I dont deserve the love of Christ, i dont deserve the millionth second chance that he's giving me, and i dont deserve to be used by a God that is bigger than anything i know.  I will never understand my God, but i like it that way.  I love Him, in my shallow, human heart, i love Him.  Even after i spit in his face and run from him, i love Him, and he loves me.  Even when i hear my voice in the crowd persecuting him, i love him.  Even when i'm Peter, denying him 3 times, i love him.  Even when i disrespect my parents, i love Him.  Even when i lust after a guy, i love Him.  Even when i lie to my close friends, i love him.  In the midst of every sin i've ever committed, not only do i still desire a better relationship with  Him, he desires one as well, even more than i do.  His love can not be measured, just like my sin can not be measured, but his love covers it up.  His love makes me white as snow. Oh how great a truth that is, and how great is the God we serve.  

I dont deserve a great God. 

I dont deserve a great love. 

I dont deserve a great healer.

I dont deserve great grace.
I dont deserve great mercy.
I dont deserve great forgiveness. 

But his grace is free, and he wants to give it me, he's holding his hands open for me to take them.  I will, and he will hold me for the rest of eternity, because thats the great God he is. 

My heart breaks.

Sex Trafficking hits home with me, for whatever reason.  My heart just aches for these girls, and some boys that are forced into that.  Take some time and go to these sights and support an organization that is doing something about it.  I just ordered a t-shirt, now i'm praying.  Thats all i can do at the moment, but i'm asking God to make it enough.

http://love146.org/

http://freethebirds.bigcartel.com/

You paint these colors into me.

Sunsets. 
Lately, thats how God has chosen to talk to me.  I mean, i can't complain, right? 
The last two weeks have been a real struggle and it still continues to be, mentally, and physically.  I'm sleep deprived and only a little over worked.  But i would take weeks like this for the rest of my life, because i'm sleep deprived for Jesus.  As i look at these kids i'm working with this week at Kids College, i see Him.  When they laugh i see his joy, when they sing i see his spirit, and when they hug me, i see his grace.  He is so alive here and i'm so glad he has answered my prayers for finding ministry here, in Michigan.  
As i drove home tonight i watched the sky change colors, they were perfect yellows and oranges, my heart swelled with joy to know i serve the one who painted that.  I heard him whisper the story of Peter when he walks on water.  When i got home i turned to the book of Matthew and dug deep. 

"Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.  But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

-Matthew 14:29-31

I almost started crying.  This story was me, this week.  Jesus has called me to follow him onto the lake, to only focus on Him, but when i start to worry about memorizing my lines for Kids college, or how tired i am, or how much i dont want to go to my job because it interferes with fellowship, i start to sink.  I then cry out to Him, "Lord, Save me!" And immediately i feel his hand reach down and grab me.  "Why do you doubt me?" He asks.  I am weak, and i let the wind carry me away from my one true focus, but not tonight.  I am putting blinders on my eyes so that i may only focus on Jesus, this wind will not drown me.  I have a king that lets me walk on water with him, i will not sink.   

"let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching." 

-Hebrews 10:22-25

Shooting stars.

The other night i was blessed to be able to spend time with my favorite boys in the whole world at my friend Samuel's camp.  We laid on the porch of their cabin with pillows and blankets and watched the sky as shooting stars passed by.  There is nothing that can compare to a starry night at camp.  We laid and talked about Jesus and sang a couple of worship songs and i think there was a sing along to "here comes the sun" in there as well.  It was refreshing to just be, to just sit and be amazed at how awesome our God is.  He placed each star in it's place just like he has placed us in the places we are.  When i get to just enjoy Him, i feel so much closer.  Lately, i've been going, going, going, its hard to take a breath and breathe Him in.  Constantly breathing him in is something i've been working on, even when i'm busy.  Nothing is more important than how my heart is with God.    I'm constantly amazed by his grace and how he showers me with it.  I can only smile and try my best to make him happy.  I, myself am so weak and frail but he takes me and tells me i'm useful, and he can do great things with me if i remain in Him.  I'm blown away by that, i'm blown away that the creator of the whole universe would want to use me in his plans.  In my mind it doesnt make sense but i just nod and kneel at my fathers feet until he tells me to go, hopefully i obey, or at least stay out of his way so i dont mess it up (which i do more often than not.)

Our God is good, he is incredible, he is just, he is loving, and he is AWESOME.
I'm so stinking lucky to serve Him, i delight in his presence.

You have me.

http://youtu.be/rpATmuPr84Q

So let me go like a leaf upon the water, let me brave the wild currents flowing to the sea, and I will disappear into a deeper beauty But for now just stay with me God, for now just stay with me.

Your love is sure.

By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence. And because of his glory and excellence, he has given us great and precious promises. These are the promises that enable you to share his divine nature and escape the world’s corruption caused by human desires.

-2 peter 1:3-4

Can i please just jump up and down from excitement and joy of how GREAT our God is?  My heart is thumping so fast in my chest and my smile stretches embarrassingly over my cheeks.  I honestly want to fall to my knees and just kiss his feet.  My anxious thoughts, my sinful desires, my selfish ambitions they are all just washed away and they are replaced with the fruits of his spirit.  I want to breathe in deep every precious breath he breathes into me.  I know why i worry, why i get anxious, why i sin, because i'm weak and frail and broken but when i'm in the presence of my King i'm full and content and new.  I am full of joy, peace overwhelms my soul.  

You know me God, you know my ways, in my rising, in my sitting down, you see me as i am. (known-Kari Jobe)

I love you Jesus, continue teaching me and making me more like you. 

I say to the LORD, “You are my God.” Hear, LORD, my cry for mercy. Sovereign LORD, my strong deliverer, you shield my head in the day of battle. Do not grant the wicked their desires, LORD;  do not let their plans succeed. 

-Psalm 140:6-8

My heart aches as i call onto the Lord for His forgiveness, i've neglected his love and i've ignored his whispers.  My heart is so distracted, my mind so consumed in worldly thoughts.  Why must i be this weak human that cannot be loyal to anything, why must i constantly let down the ones i love most.  

The first thing that comes to mind is to run, i'm oh so good at that.  Running away from my problems and pretending they dont exist is what i do best.  But my savior whispers to me, "Take heart, i am with you".  He lives inside of me, His spirit is not one that runs, but that stands firm and fights.  My soul must be cleaned and my heart must be weeded.  I miss my Savior and his wonderful spirit, it is my fault for this distance, just like every other thing that has been going wrong, it is my fault.  Grace surrounds me, and i realize how lucky i am to have a Savior that picks me up off the dirty ground and looks at me and tells me i have so much worth.  I want to cling to Him, i want to run into this arms and remain there for the rest of my life.  This world is hard, but my Lord has overcome the world.  

"take heart, i am with you" 

I will listen to my Savior, for his promises are all i have to hold onto.

From the lens, to your viewing eyes.

We had fun at the airport. 

Racing. 

Jesus loves the small puppies too. 

Our little helpers, Gabby and Job. (yes, like in the bible)

The beauty overwhelmed me. 

one of the two houses we built. 

God's artwork.

The best youth pastor/man of God i've ever known.

Little princess

John 3:16

"But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus—the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God." Acts 20:24

fear.

Fear. It's something God uses to tell me exactly where he wants me.  Everyone's relationship with God is different and he talks to people in ways they react best to.  Mine is fear.  I know God is telling me to do something when i'm afraid to do it.  After being in Mexico for a week i'm afraid.  I know the culture shock i felt there and i know the feeling of leaving a place i fell in love with.  It frightens me because i know God could call me to do it again, maybe for longer this time, or maybe for my whole life.  When i first felt called to do missions i cried myself to sleep, i didnt want to do it.  I didnt want to give up everything and move far away.  Then, one day, something weird happened,  i got excited.  The idea of moving some place new and telling people about Jesus in a language they cant understand enticed me, and excited my bones.  God moved me.  I found this organization called AIM missions, and they do this thing called The World Race.  It's incredible.  They go to 11 different countries in 11 months.  Its amazing.  I've been obsessed with the idea ever since.  I went on every day and read racers blogs, i checked on the new maps, anything i could find on that site i went on.  Now, as i sit here on my computer reading through these racers blogs, seeing their hearts and the trials and the blessings they are finding on the world race, i'm afraid.  What if God really calls me to go on this trip, basically a whole year away from my family, my friends, and this town that i'm so in love with (i rarely admit i love coldwater).  This used to be my dream, it excited me, but now as i sit here, i'm afraid of it.  OH NO. Fear, here you are again Jesus, striking fear into my heart for your Kingdom.  I love you, and your will is dangerous to step into, but how beautiful it is when i finally let go and let you take it. I'll be praying about this, and i know i will have others praying as well.  My life is not mine, and i dont count it very precious to me, the only thing i count precious is Jesus.  My heart is His, and right now he's striking fear into the heart he owns.
I live for the fear of my Savior, and i live to be uncomfortable for Him.  May this path lead me closer to you, Oh Lord.

I'm home.

As i sat on the linoleum floor of our kitchen in Tijuana, Mexico i smiled.  I could hear the dogs that barked almost every night and the truck that drove by our dorm almost every 15 minutes with a megaphone shouting advertisements in Spanish.  I looked around me at the people that sat next to, and across from me one was a new brother and others i've known for awhile now.
"One thing God has taught me in the 2 months i've been living here is that God's will for your life is the most dangerous place you can be." I listened to my new brother as he showed us his heart, but this sentence touched my own heart.  At first i didn't understand what the heck he was trying to get across, and how anything that had God attached to it could be dangerous.  But he continued.
"When you're in the middle of God's will, and you've completely given up your whole self to him, that is when things get dangerous.  God will ask you to do things you don't want to do, to go to places you aren't really sure you want to go to, but the cool thing is being dangerous for God is the only thing i want to do in my life."
Now i understood.  Living a comfortable life with security wasn't what God wanted.  He wanted us to be radical for Him, to step out of our comfortable little mind set and sacrifice for him, to serve for him, and to bend low for him.  Tijuana, Mexico is beautiful but that is because i could see God there.  Every orphan i loved on, every alcoholic i locked eyes with, and every mamma that wanted a better life for her children i saw Jesus's face.  I saw Jesus's hand right on their life and i sit on my couch in my living room i miss it.  I miss being uncomfortable, i miss being tired and worn out for Jesus.  But i'm not going to let my love for the people in Mexico to stop me from loving here in Coldwater, Michigan.  I've come to serve, and serve for Jesus. 

My Beloved-Kari Jobe

You're My Beloved

You're My Bride

To sing over you is My delight

Come away with Me My love

You're Beautiful to Me

So beautiful to Me

Under My mercy

Come and wait

Till we are standing face to face

I see no stain on you

My child

You're Beautiful to Me 

So Beautiful to Me

I sing over you My song of peace

Cast all your cares down at My feet

Come and find your rest in Me

I'll breathe My life inside of you

I'll bear you up on eagle's wings

And hide you in the shadow of My strength

I'll take you to My quiet waters

I'll restore your soul

Come rest in Me and be made whole

You're My beloved

You're My Bride

To sing over you is my delight

Come away with me my love

No expectation.

TIJUANA, MEXICO

On Sunday, June 26 i will be leaving for Tijuana, Mexico.  It's only for a week, but i have a feeling this week is going to break me down and build me back up again. For the past 7 years my youth group goes on this week long trip with Spectrum Ministries.  For 7 years God has provided $20,000+, every stinking year.  This year to raise the money we did service projects for our church community.  Basically we raked yards, pulled weeds, and did anything else these wonderful people told us to do.  It's impossible to raise $24,000 doing yard work, but yet again God pulls through and provides for this trip that he is so in love with.  

This will be my first mission trip ever, to say i'm excited is far beyond and understatement.  We will be building two houses, visiting two orphanages, having a bath day for the local kids, and going to the dumps where some families live.  I'm trying my hardest not to go into this with expectations because i know God will shatter them.  I'm bracing my heart for the hurt its going to endure and i'm just leaning on my Savior through this because i know its going to rock my comfort zone.  My heart will be changed and my eyes will be forced open.  Everything i think i know i'm sure will be completely out the window.  

So, this is what i would like all of you to do. Pray for me and my team.  Pray for our hearts, pray that God moves and runs through this place.  Pray, pray, pray.  The power of prayer is so strong and we so would appreciate it.  I'm so ready to serve, i'm so ready to be changed for the Kingom, i'm so ready to Jesus. 

It turns out that my dads heart wasn't the one that needed changing, it was mine.  

As i sit here, eating my humble pie, i smile, i have to, because how could i have thought i knew the Lords plan for me?  Even though New Tribes was a Godly desire, it was still of myself, and when i didnt let go, Jesus made me let go.  If you can not already tell, i will not be attending New Tribes Bible institute this fall.  I will be attending Kellogg Community College. (That was not what i was expecting to tell people at my open house.)
I had a good conversation with my both of my parents, in the same room, and i realized i was being stubborn.  I know Jesus was chuckling at me this whole time, just waiting for me to understand, to trust him.  I had to let go of a very big desire of my heart, as i cried it out i know Jesus was whispering "trust me".  So, i am.  I'm trusting that KCC is exactly where he wants me.  I'm being placed perfectly to where i'm called.  Even though sometimes i wish i was being called to Africa, i will take this calling and run with it.  I will be excited at what God has to offer and what things i will learn.  I've decided i will continue schooling after KCC at a transfer school God hasnt delivered yet and study teaching, with a minor in biblical studies.  Now, take all of this with a grain of salt because God could change all of this any minute.  So, i hold onto my bible and i lift my eyes to the heavens where i know my help comes from.  I smile at my Savior and i trust.

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37:4

The thing about this verse is, i think we miss read it.  "Delight yourself in the Lord", when you're so consumed in Jesus, you cant see anything other than Him and his goodness.  "and when you do that, he will give you the desires of your heart." Jesus knows your heart and my heart way better than we ourselves know it.  So when it says he will give us our desires, we dont even know what those desires are.  But He does, and when we are consumed and fulfilled and DELIGHTED in Him, those desires will become clear to us.


Thank you, Jesus for knowing my heart better than i do.  Thank you for keeping your promises, and Thank you for saving me.


I trust you.

I'll be home soon.

“But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior.” 

-Philippians 3:20

When you go on vacation, its exciting.  You're going somewhere new, somewhere unfamiliar to you. You may lay out in the sun or enjoy the snow, depending on where your real home is. This is the definition of vacation;

Vacation: freedom or release from duty, business, or activity. 

Eventually, you get homesick, you miss your parents, your siblings, your significant other, or maybe just your dog, but your heart knows where home is, and it wants to go back. 

I dont necessarily think our time on earth is considered a vacation, its more work than our real home is, but go with me on this one.  We are constantly homesick, constantly longing for our home that we have no recollection of actually being in.  So many times in the bible it talks about how we are strangers on this earth, and Heaven is our home.  It makes sense.  Today, i'm homesick.  Today, i'm craving my Savior.  Today, this world holds none of my attention.   

My heart longs for Jesus, and that is the only longing worth talking about. 

Free me from these worldly routines, Lord.  Sanctify my days and ruin me this life.  I'm yours, and so is my heart.    

When all the world is blossoming
And everything around is bursting into life
And I don't have to strain to hear the beat of Your heart

When all the world is under fire
When skies are threatening to thunder and rain
And I am overcome by fears that I can't see

If everything is Yours
Everything is Yours
If everything is Yours
I'm letting it go
No, it was never mine to hold
No, never mine

Who could command the stars to sing
Or hold the raging seas from breaking through the doors?
And tend the fragile roses with the very same hands

Everything is Yours
If everything is Yours
I'm letting it go
I am, I'm letting it go, letting go
Yeah, I'm letting it go

'Cause everything is Yours
Yeah, everything is Yours

If everything is Yours, God
And everything is Yours
If everything is Yours
I'm letting it go, let it go, let it go, let it go

It was never mine, no, no
It was never mine, never mine
[Incomprehensible] no

When all the world is blossoming
And everything around is bursting into life
And I don't have to strain to hear the beat of Your heart

I have called you back from the ends of the earth,
      saying, ‘You are my servant.’
   For I have chosen you
      and will not throw you away.
 Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
      Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
   I will strengthen you and help you.
      I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

-Isaiah 41:9-10

To say this last week has been a trial may be an understatement.  

My dad is completely aware of the desires of my heart to serve and eventually be and overseas missionary.  Does he support it? No.  Does he fully support my relationship with God? No. I take this as a daily struggle, because i know through Christ all things are possible and God is and WILL change my dads heart on that subject, but that is not what i'm writing about today, but it does have something to do with it.  

      New Tribes Bible Institute, if you know me on a personal level you know that this past year this school is all I've been talking about, thinking about, and praying about.  For me, a year is a long time for me to be fully invested in something, halfway through i usually get bored and move on.  The only commitment i'm good at is my commitment to following Gods plan for me, and let me tell you, when he puts a desire in my heart, that desire is burning and its ready.  

      When i want something, i dont stop until i have it. Now, if this something just has to be a God given desire, watch out.  New Tribes is exactly that.  A school completely focused on teaching the bible, oh and its a missionary based school. SIGN ME UP. 

      Now, just because God has given me a desire for this doesnt mean this plan is going to run smoothly, especially if Satan has anything to do about it.  This past week i think my dad and i have argued more than we have in 3 years about this one subject. (Theres another huge thing, you guys dont know my dad, well, some of you might.  When my dad argues, its scary.) When someone attacks your beliefs, you're natural instinct is to respond and tell them that they're wrong. As a teenage girl, do you think i responded that way. Heck yes i did, should i have responded that way? No i stinking shouldnt have. How in the heck am i supposed to show Jesus to my dad when i'm responding in the same way he is, especially if its about something i really want.  

      My dad has referred New Tribes and my aspiration to become a missionary (i use the term "become" lightly because i consider myself a missionary in everyday life but in lack of another term we will stick to this one) in more disrespectful words than not.  The other day he compared me wanting to be a missionary with him wanting to be a baseball player.  Nice, right?

      If my dad had his way this is what my life would look like.  

• Go to community college for 2 years. 
• get associates and bachelors degree. 
• move onto a university and study "a common job", probably nursing. 
• find "a common guy" who may or may not believe in God. 
• move away, but not too far away from Him and have Children.
• but most of all, i will have a secure life a secure husband and financially i will be secure. 

     This life may be good for someone, but not for me.  The last thing i want in the world is to be secure, because when i'm secure in this world, that can only lead to destruction.  I want instability so i may lean on God to even things out.  I want way too much to handle, so im forced to lean on God for help.  I want to be lost, so i have to ask God for directions.  I want to be dangerous to the enemy.  I want my life to look radically different from the average american.  Want to know why? I want to live radically different for CHRIST who lived radically.  I want to be so in love with Jesus Christ that normal things become absurd.  I want to look so different from people, they question my life style.  I want to get to heaven and hear Jesus say "well done my good and faithful servant, you have used everything i have given you." I do not live for the applause from men, but for the applause from my father in heaven.    

       How do you explain that to someone that is of this world?  You cant.  It's impossible for him to understand it.  So, how am i going to do what i think is right according to God?  I dont know, but i have faith that i will know when i am supposed to.  I trust that God has gone before me in this, he knows my future already and he has it worked out.  This nothing but a small pebble in my path.  Jesus will lead me where i'm supposed to be.  He will change my dads heart, or my heart according to his plans. 

I pray that you all are seeking God's will for your life.  I will not promise an easy road, but i will promise a full and joyful life. 

However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.- Acts 20:24

    At this point, i pretty much have that verse memorized perfectly.  Most of the time its written on my arm as a reminder.  This verse honestly sums up what my whole life needs to revolve around.  Oh, but, how selfish of a human am i? I worry about relationships, money, future careers, job opportunities, rain; all of which may be important in my life at some point but not right now.  If i focus on Jesus, on His face, things will fall into place.  I'm seeking his face, i'm seeking only Him.  My heart longs for him, and i know every other heart does as well.  Why not share the living water, this water never runs out.  I dont need to worry about a relationship because i dont need it right now.  I need Jesus and i need to do what he's calling me to do.  I can not, and i will not let anything or anyone interfere with what my God has called me to do.  I cant get distracted with earthly things that only fulfill for a little while.  I do belong to this earth, my home is in Heaven with Jesus, but before i return he has given me a command.  "Go be a fisher of men."  My goal is to finish that race, and to bring as many people as i can with me.  

Take me to that place lord, to that secret place, where i can be with you, and you can make me like you.  Wrap me in your arms, wrap me in your arms, wrap me in your arms. 

    

I havent blogged in a very long time.

    Its funny how this spiritual life works.  Sometimes you're extremely confident and firm in your faith, and sometimes you stumble and you fall, and you kind of lose sight of what you're really headed towards.  I lost sight for about month.  My eyes were fixed on worldly things and my heart was being attacked at every angel since i let my guard down.  I'm very lucky we dont have to earn our love from God, because id be last.
    I've battled with depression since i was about 12 years old.  It's a dark place that i really dont like being in, it scares me, it sucks the life right out of me.  When i found God i was brought out of it, i found pleasure in the new life he had given me and was very pleased with this new found love that was burning in my heart.  For some reason about a month ago i fell back into that dark place of depression.  I was very introverted and denied any chance i was given to hangout with my friends.  Every night as i laid in bed my mind would swarm with thoughts that havent been brought up in forever.  My heart was heavy, and my eyes were dark.  The devil had found a hole and i let him in.  I let him feed off my depression and i pushed God further and further away.  I was confused as to why this was happening, i thought when you found new life in God you were always fulfilled, always joyful always happy, then i remembered Job.  Everyone knows his story, all the sorrow, the pain, the anguish he went through.  The difference between Job and me is he kept faithful.
    I'm  thankful God has blessed me with such faith filled friends.  One of my very dear guy friends woke me up a bit.  After a breakdown on my part he told me this was the perfect time to prove my faith.  To praise God even if i dont feel it.
    Let me take this time put a side note in here.  I'm a girl, and girls are emotional, we are driven a lot of the time by our emotions.  Faith in Jesus Christ, a real relationship with the Savior is more than just a feeling.  A lot of the time you cant feel God.  That's a hard thing for me.  If i dont feel him, i dont feel close.
    This past month has really challenged me to find real faith, to really "count the cost" if you will. I have learned that God is far greater than my depression, i will NOT let the devil win.  My God has won, the battle is over.  My heart is HIS forever.

Darkness you have no hold on me.
Emotions you have no hold on me.
Anxiety you have no hold on me.
Self deprecating thoughts, you have no hold on me.
Devil. You can take the nearest exit because you have no hold on me.

I'm a slave for Jesus Christ.  He has bought me with his blood and i am HIS.

He is first.

         You know what i just realized?  How different my life has become.  Let me just take you back to who i was around 2 years ago.

         I wake up, do my daily  rituals, get dressed and move on through my day.  I swear a little, my thoughts are lingering on what problem i have and how it's just not fair.  I talk about how I have a right to be mad at this person, how i dont deserve to be treated this way, i deserve to be "happy."  I think about myself, i think about me, and i think about this person named Chelsea.  I disrespect my dad because he has the audacity to ask me to put the dishes in the dishwasher when i haven't done anything all day. How dare him.  I yell at my brother for asking me a simple question because, why the heck does he need to interrupt me when i'm doing nothing.  My heart is hurting because i'm putting my happiness and my fulfillment on this boy that cares nothing for me.  My friends are encouraging me in this pursuit of my own happiness.  They tell me; "yes, you deserve happiness, Chelsea. You will find it, just think about what you need, not what anybody else." My heart beats for myself and i'm encouraged to continue that way.  After a long day of doing nothing but thinking about myself and my "happiness" i lay down to sleep. I lay in my bed, my heart throbs in pain, my mind races through my self deprecating thoughts.  I wonder why i'm not happy;  I wonder why i hate waking up in the morning.  When will i find someone who finally understands me, someone that actually loves me, for me?  I cry silently until i finally fall asleep.

        Can you determine what was missing?  Do you relate to my before life?  I hated that life; i hate it even more now that i know what i'm missing.

        "For the LORD is the great God, the great King above all gods.  In his hand are the depths of the earth, and the mountain peaks belong to him.  The sea is his, for he made it, and his hands formed the dry land.  Come, let us bow down to worship, let us kneel before the LORD our maker; for he is our God and we are the people of his pasture, the flock under his care." -Psalm 95:3-7

            Let me give you a run through of my day now.

       I wake up, i pray that God will give me joy today so that i may use this day for Him.  I do my morning rituals.  I eat breakfast while doing my devotionals; i let God speak to my heart.  I get dressed, making sure my outfit is appropriate in God's eyes, because i have found my beauty in him.  I get in  my car and i listen to my Christian worship channel.  I go through school, praying to God continually.  I ask for him to use me in these kids' lives, and guess what? He does.  I've had amazing conversations with kids that are hungry, starving, thirsting for something more, they have no idea what they are hungry for, but i do.  I tell them about God, i witness to them, i relate to them.  I read my bible during breaks and in any free time i have.  I listen to sermons while i'm working.  I've found the one that understands me, and loves all the same.

       What is different in these stories?  It's not that i listen to worship music now; it's not that i do devotions in the morning; its not that i dress modestly for Him.  It has nothing to do with ME and what i'm doing, but it has everything to do with HIM.  I do those things because i love HIM.  I live my life like i do today because i'm completely enthralled in Jesus Christ, my Lord.  My heart no longer throbs in pain, it no longer searches.  It has been FOUND, my Lord, Jesus Christ, came in and rescued me.  He rescued me from myself.  he rescued me from my life of searching.  The thing that amazes me most about this is that he WANTED to save me.  Do you know what?  He WANTS to save you.  He is waiting for your heart to find Him.  He's waiting for you to fall on your knees and give it up, give up your hurt, give up yourself to Him.  I promise you, I PROMISE YOU, that you will NEVER be alone ever again.  you will NEVER feel the pain of yourself EVER again.  HE is  first, HE IS FIRST.  He knows what you have done, he knows what you WILL do, and he knows what you're doing right now.  Let me give you a little nugget of knowledge here.  HE DOESN'T CARE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE. He does not want you to be held down by sin, he doesn't want you to hurt because of what you have done.  Jesus finished it, it's done.  He has cleansed you, and he took your sin for you and made you new so that you could be reconciled to the one true God.  Don't let satan yell lies into your mind.  Listen to God's still small voice, listen to his whisper, He's the truth.  Listen to him, give it up, and let him take over your life.
        I want you to know that ia life that lives for God is not easy.  Just because I follow Christ doesnt mean he takes away my problems, my life isnt a cake walk.  I also want you to know that I DONT CARE.  What i realized today is that in the midst of my troubles, He is here.  He is with me, holding me.  He is grieving with me, He is joyful with me, and he walks with me.  So instead of walking alone in your worries, in your problems, in your hurt, you will walk with the one and only Christ.  Let me say this again; YOU WILL NEVER BE ALONE.   He is there with you; let him reveal himself to you.  He misses you; He wants you to know him.  Let him enter your life.  Let him be with you in all your struggles, let him lead you.

"Shout for joy in the Lord, all the earth.  Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs.  Know that the LORD is God.  It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.  Enter his gates with Thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name.  For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations."
-psalm 100