I'm learning.

   Being alone has become my worst fear, i dont know when it happened but i'm not okay with it.  It's not the kind of alone that requires a romantic relationship.  It's the kind of alone where when there is no one around me i feel lost and upset.  Since i've started working and going to school i'm constantly on the go, and around people.  Even at home, my brother always has friends over so i never have alone time.  If i do have a chance to have alone time i fill it with time with friends or a bible study over coffee.  I never let myself be totally alone, which is why i think this fear has been brought up.

   I used to crave alone time, back in the day.  I always wanted to be alone because i couldnt function if i wasnt in my own head at least 2 hours of the day.  I dont know what has changed but it needs to stop.  I dont have my best sister to fill in the gaps, she's in Mexico.  I dont have Dom to fill all of my time because work gets in the way.  My dad has a new job that keeps him away weeks at a time.  There are times where i'm going to be home alone and i need to be okay and not need to call someone to come stay with me.  

Jesus, i ask you to fill the gaps inside of me that are causing these anxieties, please show me where this stems from.  I love you, you are bigger than my fear. You are bigger than being alone, you are bigger than everything i fear.  

It's not goodbye, it's see you later.

Saying goodbye to you and knowing i wont see you literally next to me for 5 months was probably one of the hardest thing's i've ever had to do.

You're my best friend, and my sister.  God has brought us to this wonderful point where he is separating us for awhile.  I love you, and i'll miss you every day.  I'm excited for the the stories you will tell me, and the people you're going to inspire.

It's all because of Him.
It's all for Him.

I love you with all the bones in my body, i miss you.
Your sister.

"Looks like you messed up, yet again, he's so sick of you doing this to him."

"He's not going to take you back, again, you've messed up too many times."

"Dont even read your bible, its boring and you wont find what you need in there."

These are the lies i've been hearing for the past 2 weeks.  The enemy has really gotten into my head and had convinced me of things i knew to be false.  But as i sat in my sin, messing up for about the millionth time, i asked myself, how in the world can God love me, after this.  What i've learned is, i'm not supposed to know, but he does.  His love will never make sense to me, and i dont think it's supposed to.  God's love is bigger and more wondrous than my head can even wrap itself around.  No matter what i do, no matter what i say, nothing can separate me from His love. (Romans 8:38-39).  So, i'm done believing these lies, i'm done feeling horrible and wallowing in my guilt.  That is exactly what Jesus does NOT want me to do, he died on the cross for that very sin i'm sinking in.  He's already forgiven me and he's already forgotten it.  I dont deserve the love of Christ, i dont deserve the millionth second chance that he's giving me, and i dont deserve to be used by a God that is bigger than anything i know.  I will never understand my God, but i like it that way.  I love Him, in my shallow, human heart, i love Him.  Even after i spit in his face and run from him, i love Him, and he loves me.  Even when i hear my voice in the crowd persecuting him, i love him.  Even when i'm Peter, denying him 3 times, i love him.  Even when i disrespect my parents, i love Him.  Even when i lust after a guy, i love Him.  Even when i lie to my close friends, i love him.  In the midst of every sin i've ever committed, not only do i still desire a better relationship with  Him, he desires one as well, even more than i do.  His love can not be measured, just like my sin can not be measured, but his love covers it up.  His love makes me white as snow. Oh how great a truth that is, and how great is the God we serve.  

I dont deserve a great God. 

I dont deserve a great love. 

I dont deserve a great healer.

I dont deserve great grace.
I dont deserve great mercy.
I dont deserve great forgiveness. 

But his grace is free, and he wants to give it me, he's holding his hands open for me to take them.  I will, and he will hold me for the rest of eternity, because thats the great God he is.